I know I'm not the only person in this world that has dated someone totally certifiable. Someone that you can't believe isn't wearing a straight jacket or atleast a Hannibal Lector face thingy.
Well Children gather around. Imma tell you a lil story. It's called Beauty and The Psychopath.
Our story is set in GA on a hot summers day. Beauty is surfing the Web on a website known as Plenty of Crazies. While on this site she spots a handsome fellow and decides to message him. After a couple weeks they decide to meet. They ended up spending HOURS talking and it was wonderful.
Then one late night this handsome fellow invites Beauty over to watch a movie. He let's her know then that he is celibate which is fine for Beauty's brain but not so much for Beauty's Beauty but she decides he's worth it.
So they hang out as his house and watch shows and movies. One day Beauty asks him if he wants to go to Karaoke with her. He says that's not his thing really so she says alright. Then another day she says Hey you want to walk on the island with me? He says no. Another day she says hey I have Adventure Landing tickets that I don't want to expire wanna go. He says he has a friend that works there and can get in for free when he wants he just doesn't..... she said ooook. She says well are we ever going to do anything OUTSIDE of your house. He said yea but everything your asking is couple stuff......
WHAT!!?
A few weeks go and Beauty is on the phone with Handsome Fellow when he says, Beauty I want you to suck my D. Beauty looks at the phone like it just said the dumbest thing ever and says her famous line, "um excuse me"
He says yea I want to do that with you.....(like it's a bonding exercise or something)Beauty says ummm I thought you were celibate. He explains that he is but only for safety reasons and that he is still a guy after all. Beauty asks (with a disgusted look) well do you give as well? Handsome Fellow says no...... before Beauty's eyes Handsome Fellow has now been downgraded to Cute Fellow. cause ummmm no.
She's thinking..... I asked u to go to karaoke not grind on my booty, she walks on the island with her mother it's just a nice place to go and talk not hold hands and frolic through the oyster shells. She took her kids to Adventure Landing. Nothing she asked for has to be seen as couple stuff...... but he wants her to suck his dick, cuddle, watch movies all night at his place...... ummmmm dude... really?
So as time went on Cute Fellow started becoming Fugly Fellow. He kept trying to change the way Beauty talked, what she wore, how she said Good Morning or lack there of. Let me explain....
One day Fugly Fellow texted Beauty and said Good Morning. Beauty texted back "Morning." Little did she know that that was going to start a fuckin war. This dumbass texts back "you know you should say Good Morning and not morning because it'll appear hostile" She said wtf? Are you kidding me? What fuckin planet are u from Fugly Fellow? She said look here I'm tired of this shit. I've dealt with all your crap but I REFUSE to fuckin put a Good in front of Morning if I don't want to. Fugly Fellow then says "your an intelligent woman and I don't understand how you can speak so incorrectly. I taught speech and blah blah blah bullshit" She said loudly and clearly "I AM NOT YOUR FUCKIN STUDENT!!" By then she had had it. She had had it with his celibacy, want dick sucking, non giving, big headed, never going anywhere but places with his mom, work, and taco bell, controlling ass. She was done. She hung up on him and went about her life never to hear from Bitch Fellow again.
The End
I hope you enjoyed this wholesome and educational story kids. Now what did we learn?
"Never trust a big headed motha fucka who smiles like a Barbie and never blinks"
That's right kids :)
Until next time.... Bye Bye
Have pics you want to contribute to this crazy blog? Have a hilarious and idiotic message from an admirer you'd like me to talk shit about for you?
Send them to me DaBomDotCom85@gmail.com
All submissions are anonymous. Unless you just want recognition.... not mad at ya lol.
